The Broken Hearted Breaks a Heart

I Know It Will Never Be Enough

December 10, 2008 at 10:24pm

I know it will never be enough to say I’m sorry.
I know it will never be enough to say I tried.
You may not believe me when I say I loved you.
And you probably believe me even less,
When I say I still do.

I never meant to hurt you,
I hope you understand.
That wasn’t how I thought it would end.
I was so happy,
And you meant so much to me.
But I was beaten down emotionally,
Beat down so bad,
That I felt numb to you.
I wasn’t myself…
Then I got scared.
What if it would always be this way?
What if it would never end?
Just a bunch of ongoing unexpected bends.
Never straight,
Never sure.
Someone always questioning,
Throwing in another curve.

It had nothing to do with you,
It wasn’t your fault.
It seemed to me no one wanted to see us together.
And in regards to me and your family,
I questioned if we’d ever get along.
I know it shouldn’t matter,
That I should only be there for you,
But I just couldn’t take it.
Then one day, I brought your world to a halt.
I pushed you away.
And to think in the beginning I thought,
That we were both in it to stay.
I'm sorry but I just couldn’t take it.

I know I hurt you,
And it hurt me to,
To see what I was doing to you,
And to know what I had lost.
We were both shut out in the cold and frost.
They said I cheated,
They say I wasn’t true,
But do you think I would really do that to you?
The things we always fought about,
Had nothing to do with us.
It was always because of the seeds they strew.

You were amazing.
You would have done anything for me.
Time and time again you waited for me.
And I hate myself for what I’ve done to you.
I just felt like I had no choice but to run.
I’m sorry I let you down.
I know I can never completely fix what I broke,
And I understand if you’ve lost all hope.

When I hear something about you,
Being seen with some other girl,
The thought twists my stomach in knots.
I hold back my tears,
While people keep whispering in each other’s ears,
And swallow the lump in my throat.
I can’t expect you to hold out for me forever,
I guess I’ll have to accept it when you move on.
I feel so caught and blundered.
Sometimes I have to wonder,
Was he the one?
Just know, that whatever happens,
I will never forget you.

I know it will never be enough to say I’m sorry.
I know it will never be enough to say I tried.
You may not believe me when I say I loved you.
And you probably believe me even less,
When I say I still do.

The Simple Things (love can be dangerous)

The Simple Things

January 21, 2009 at 9:42pm

I’ve been going out a lot more lately.
But everywhere I go,
I keep hoping I’ll see your face.
When I’m home and all alone,
You’re the one I think of,
The one I want there beside me.

I know this sounds so cliché;
But I’ve always wanted to kiss you in the rain.
To stand in a thunderstorm,
And feel the drops of rain stream down my face.
With you I feel like I’ve found my place.
But this world is so fast paced,
We don’t make time for the simple things in life,
Those little simple things that make it special.

We didn’t really make time for the small things,
We don’t even make much time for eachother anymore now.
Oh, how I’ve wanted you to randomly take my hand,
And ask me to dance to a song that’s playing on the radio.
Whether it’s in the kitchen, the middle of the street, wherever.
And when I’m sad and tears stream down my face,
I long for you to take your hand and wipe them away.
That’s all you have to do to brighten my day.

It seems the harder I squeeze the more you slip away.
I miss you more with each passing day.
I can’t take anymore of this feeling of doubt
When I come see you I feel like everything is okay
When I leave I wonder if you feel the same

I don’t want to play anymore games.
I don’t want to keep looking for something that isn’t there,
So please, if I am not what you want,
Let me know so I can move on,
Because it gets harder everyday.

Naive

Naive- something I wrote from 2010
And it all comes down to this; I let you in, I get let down... If not you than its always someone else, breaking me down into a thousand pieces and throwing them around, not caring to see where the pieces fall. No more second chances, no more second tries. no more forgiveness, no more lies. I refuse to be treated the way I do, and I will no longer advert my eyes, to choose not to see what I don't want to see.
I don't know what I saw in you, but what I see before me now is with foreign eyes, and what I saw is now nothing but a faded false memory. I see a little too late that I was nothing to you; and now you are nothing to me.

"Broken Heart"- a very accurate term

late night thoughts- a little peek inside my head

Having your heart 'broken' is quite accurate in the way that your heart actually feels like it is being ripped apart. First, your heart races and your adrenaline pulses through your veins, like your body is bracing for a physical attack. Then you get this sinking feeling in your stomach, as if you swallowed a bowl full of cement. Your throat tightens like you are being choked and you hold your breath... then for what feels like agonizing hours, your heart seems to stop and time seems to stand still... then comes the stabbing, twisting feeling in your chest. In fact, a 'heart break' seems to create real physical pain.

Sleepless Nights, Boredom... and Jeans

I absolutely hate when you have so much to do the next day that that's all you can think about and sleep eludes you. You think about how much you need to sleep and it gets even harder to doze off. Counting backwards from 100 with each breath out didn't work, so I decided to get up. I crossed a bunch of items off my to-do list, and then came the next task of the day-go to the dreaded clinic. So I'm sitting at the walk in clinic to get my prescription renewed... bored out of my head, about to loose it on the mother across from me who can't control her overly annoying child as I am already irritated-I can feel a tension headache building. Just then I look down... and notice my very unattractive bulge in the front of my pants-it looked like I was packing something big in there. For a male... I'm sure they wouldn't mind having something like that for the opposite sex to gawk at... But for me-utterly embarrassing. Regardless, they are my favorite jeans because they have an awesome wash, have awesome texture and perfect thickness-and best of all they give me hips and make my butt look amazing (hard to do sometimes because I'm so thin and for lack of a better word, kinda curveless). In my boredom I began to think of other ways jeans were unattractive or a pain in the ass.
#1  Gaping or indecent exposure of your crack. No one wants to see that shit. so please, save all of our eyes. Maybe they fit your calves, thighs and butt perfectly, but if the top band is too wide-throw 'em away or get them fixed- or at least, PLEASE wear a belt
#2 People constantly pulling up their pants. Its distracting... and has the potential to violate some eyes with butt cleavage.
#3 Camel toe-no explanation needed. It's just not cute.
#4 Pants that are too tight- on me, I look like a skeleton-like I have an eating disorder. For larger girls, it can make you look like a cone if they are tapered in at the bottom, or (I hate saying this, I don't like to judge) but it can look like overstuffed sausages.
#5 Pants deliberately hanging off your butt so that I can see the colour and/or print of a person's underwear/boxers. Common', you can't really think that's classy.
#6 Flood pants- No-sorry they don't fall into the category of "cropped", they are noticeably at that awkward length that others will point at.
#7 Pants that are superrrr long. Its like $20  bucks people. Get 'em chopped. They aren't your dogs nuts.
#8 Pants that look amazinggggg on you-until you sit and cross your  legs. Then, you magically sprout an imaginary penis.
#9 Zippers, that no matter how many times you pull them up, they continue to fall down multiple times a day. If you insist on wearing these types of pants, do yourself and all of us all a favour and wear underwear.
#10 waistbands that are too tight- no one likes a muffin top.
#11 Pants that are too big- they just look sloppy.
I've learned after buying many pairs of jeans (that later required belts every time you wear them) that BEFORE you buy them, of course try them on! Wiggle around a bit in them, see if they begin to recede to your knees. And do not forget to DO THE SIT TEST! (with your back facing the mirror, go into a squat- go a little lower than you would on a chair- and if it gaps, if it shows your buttcrack, immediately discard  unless you planned to get them professionally altered)

damn animals

I didn't want to start my first post about a cat. How UTTERLY lame. But, I was reading about anxiety and how it is treated in cats. My cat took about a year to be completely comfortable around me, and now that I've moved in with my boyfriend the whole process has started all over again... when Peter is home (and not sleeping) the damn cat hides. And if he DOES come out and runs into Peter he'll run and hide or start this pitiful squeeking because he can't meow properly. UGH now I have to pay for zoloft (SSRI's-selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) for a damn cat. Who would have thought?